How to mention someone who has died in a wedding speech

Keep it short, say it once and make it part of the toast, not a break from the speech. Sources agree that a few words are enough, and that leaving it out is also fine.

Is it expected?

No. WedShed, an Australian site, includes a writer's account of losing her father before her wedding. It says you do not have to say much "if you don't feel up to it", and that not mentioning lost loved ones is "totally fine". Guides for Brides says a tribute "doesn't have to happen during the ceremony", and that it has seen couples mention loved ones during the speeches.

Who does it?

Neither source sets a rule. WedShed's writer spoke at her own wedding, and suggests that "you could have your partner or bridesmaids say words on your behalf". In practice it is usually whoever was closest: the person the speech is about, or the speaker who knew them. Tell the couple first if it is not them, so it is not a surprise on the day. For role-specific advice, see our father of the bride guide.

Where does it fit?

No source fixes a slot. County Wedding's joint speech tips place "a tribute to anyone who has died" after the thank-yous and before the final tribute and toast. Moss, in its joint speech advice, suggests deciding together "if any toasts to the dearly departed are necessary".

If you are speaking as a couple, see our joint wedding speech guide. Two practical points follow, which are our suggestions and not from the sources:

• Put it near the end, so the speech does not turn sad in the middle and recover.
• If you will say more than a sentence or two, finish with a warmer line before the toast.

How to word it

Guides for Brides offers three approaches:

• A shared memory.
• Something about the wedding they would have loved.
• "Simply raise a glass to them."

WedShed's writer kept hers to three points: she wished her dad could be there, he would have enjoyed the day, and he was glad she met her husband. She said she spoke "only briefly".

Example lines, to adapt: "[Name] would have loved today, and would have had opinions about the music. Please raise a glass to them." These are examples, not quotes from a real speech.

What to leave out

• A long tribute. Guides for Brides says it "doesn't have to become a lengthy speech".
• The cause or circumstances. Our advice: guests can be moved by a name, not an account.
• A joke you have not checked. Ask a relative first. Our guide to avoiding offence in wedding speeches covers the same care.

If you would rather not say it aloud

You have options, all from the sources above:

• Leave it out. WedShed says this is "totally fine".
• Ask someone else to say it. WedShed suggests your partner or bridesmaids could say words on your behalf.
• Keep it away from the ceremony. Guides for Brides says loved ones can be remembered outside the ceremony, during the speeches or reception. WedShed's writer avoided lengthy talks about her father in the ceremony because it would be "too emotional".
• Choose a quiet gesture. Guides for Brides suggests simply raising a glass.

If you are unsure, ask a close relative of the person who died how they would feel before you decide. That is our suggestion, not a rule from the sources.

If emotion rises

Bridebook says taking a moment is expected and suggests keeping tissues nearby. Practise the lines aloud so you know where you might pause.

Start your draft

Answer five questions on theweddingspeech.ai and see your free speech preview, then add your tribute where it feels right.