Speeches at a same-sex wedding: who speaks and in what order

At a same-sex wedding there is no fixed speech order, so the couple decides who speaks and when. Most couples keep the shape of the traditional UK order (a parent, then the couple, then a best man or best woman) and adapt the roles to fit two brides or two grooms.

The traditional order and why it needs adapting

Bridebook's speech order guide gives the traditional UK order as father of the bride, then groom, then best man, and says "the order needn't be set in stone." Its list of alternatives includes a joint couple speech, "gender-equal speeches (including bride and mother of the groom speeches)", mother and father of the groom speeches, and "opening up the floor to whoever wants to speak."

Each traditional role is tied to a bride or a groom, so at a same-sex wedding some roles are doubled and others are missing. WeddingPlanner.co.uk says the order "will definitely change": "There could be two father-of-the-bride speeches or there could also be two father-of-the-groom speeches", "or perhaps their mothers instead." Our guide to the order of wedding speeches explains what each traditional speaker covers.

Great Speech Writing, a UK speechwriting service, says "there is no 'correct' answer. There are no laboured Victorian conventions to adhere to."

Who speaks first

The traditional opener is the bride's father, who Bridebook says will usually welcome the guests. With two brides or two grooms, there are two sets of parents with an equal claim. The sources suggest three ways to handle it:

• One parent from each side. Great Speech Writing suggests asking one parent from each family to speak.
• A joint parent speech. Great Speech Writing also suggests both parents giving a joint speech. Dotty About Paper, a UK stationer, says "For same-sex couples, its their choice on who should kick off the evening - or their dads could do a joint speech!"
• The couple opens. Some couples speak first themselves. Bridebook lists a joint couple speech among its alternatives, and the order is the couple's to set.

If two parents speak separately, agree who goes first and keep both speeches short. Two welcomes in a row can repeat each other, so it helps if one welcomes the guests and the other focuses on the couple.

The couple's speech

In the traditional order the groom speaks on behalf of the couple. At a same-sex wedding both partners may want to speak.

• A shared speech. All Speeches Great and Small, a UK speechwriter, says "If both people getting married would like to speak, then my advice is to share a speech, and work on it together." It suggests keeping a shared speech "the same length as a regular groom speech, about 1300 words", and warns that two separate speeches "will really eat into the schedule."
• Two speeches. Great Speech Writing's tips for same-sex weddings say two groom speeches are fine if both are original and balanced, and to compare notes first: "Please don't waste ten minutes repeating the same thankyous."

Our joint wedding speech guide covers how to split a shared speech between two speakers.

Best man, best woman or best mate

The best man's role is gendered in name only. All Speeches Great and Small says "The best man is just as likely to be a woman, even if the couple are two men", and notes there is "no equivalent title as yet." Great Speech Writing suggests "Best Mate" to avoid gendering the role.

Each partner may also have their own best person or maid of honour, which can double this part of the order. All Speeches Great and Small suggests that if a best person and a bridesmaid both speak, each should keep to around 1,000 words, "each" being the key word, to avoid an overlong programme.

Length

More speakers means less time each. Bridebook's guide to speech length says the speeches as a whole usually last 20 to 30 minutes and should take no more than 40. If you have two parent speeches, two speeches by the couple and two best people, that budget is shared six ways. Our guide to wedding speech length shows the usual range for each speaker.

What to say

Great Speech Writing's main point is that "A gay wedding doesn't require a gay speech." Its tips include:

• Pitch the tone to the audience, including any innuendo: "That's not a gay thing, it's an audience thing."
• Parents should "speak about her and her wife in exactly the same way you would speak about her and her husband".
• This is "not a time to make a political statement about marriage".
• Focus on what makes the couple unique, not their sexuality.

Its other page says to avoid "overused jokes, gendered cliches or stale 'in-jokes'."

A sample order

This is an example written for this page, not a rule. For two grooms with both fathers and two best people:

1. One father welcomes the guests and thanks everyone who helped.
2. The other father speaks about the couple and welcomes his new son-in-law.
3. The couple give a shared speech and thank the parents and wedding party.
4. Each best person speaks briefly, or they give one joint speech.

Swap the roles for two brides, or for mothers rather than fathers. Whatever you choose, tell every speaker the order and their time limit in advance.

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