Best friend wedding speech when you are not best man or maid of honour

You can give a wedding speech as a best friend without being best man or maid of honour, but only if the couple asks you or agrees to it. Keep it shorter than the traditional speeches, confirm where it falls in the order, and build it around one or two stories that guests outside your friendship group will understand.

Is a friend's speech normal?

The traditional UK order has three speakers: the father of the bride, the groom and the best man. Friends without a formal role have no fixed slot. Bridebook's speech order guide says modern weddings may include "close friends and family members" among the speakers, and lists "opening up the floor to whoever wants to speak" as a popular alternative to the traditional order.

Bridebook's guide to a speech for a best friend says it plainly: "But you don't have to be the best man or maid of honour to make this speech." Our guide to the order of wedding speeches shows the traditional speakers and the common changes.

If the couple has not asked you, offer rather than assume. WeddingWire, a US source, suggests that when many people want to toast, couples keep the traditional toasts for the wedding and move the rest to the rehearsal dinner. The Perfect Wedding gives the same alternatives for siblings without a slot: a toast at the rehearsal dinner or a private letter.

When it happens

Bridebook's best friend guide says the speech "can fit anywhere into the order of wedding speeches" and advises confirming your slot with the couple. Ask them three things early:

• Where in the order you will speak, and who speaks before and after you.
• How long you have.
• Whether there is a microphone.

Knowing who speaks before you also stops overlap. If the best man or maid of honour is telling the story of how the couple met, choose a different one.

How long to speak

No source we found sets a length for friends specifically. Bridebook's guide to speech length says wedding speeches usually run 5 to 7 minutes, and that if many people are speaking, each speech should be cut down. WeddingWire says to keep a speech under five minutes, aiming for closer to three.

As an extra speaker, you are adding to time the couple has already planned, so aiming for the shorter end, 2 to 4 minutes, is a sensible target unless they ask for more. At the 100 to 150 words a minute that VirtualSpeech gives as a comfortable pace, that is roughly 200 to 600 words. Our guide to wedding speech length has timings for every speaker.

A five-part structure

Bridebook's best friend guide gives five parts:

1. Introduction. Who you are, how you know the couple, and thanks for being asked. Fewer guests will know you than know the best man, so this matters more. Our guide to starting a wedding speech has opening lines.
2. Your friend. What they mean to you and what makes them unique.
3. A funny story. Light-hearted, remembering that family, colleagues and neighbours are listening.
4. Loving advice. Thoughts on love, commitment and friendship from your own experience. If you are stuck, it suggests a quote, a poem or vow examples.
5. Toast. Raise your glass, invite guests to join you, name the couple and sit down.

What to watch for

• Check the story first. Bridebook suggests picking stories your friend would be happy for their family and colleagues to hear, and showing it to them first if you are unsure.
• Include the partner. A best friend's speech can drift into a tribute to one person. Bridebook's structure brings in the couple through the advice and the toast, so say something about the partner too.
• Ask what they want to hear. Bridebook's guide to wedding speeches suggests speaking to the couple "to get a sense of what they would like to hear in your speech."

Example best friend speech

This is an example written for this page. The names and story are invented. It runs about 250 words, roughly two minutes at a steady pace.

Example: Hello everyone. For those who don't know me, I'm Hannah, and I've been Laura's best friend since we were put next to each other in Year 7 because our surnames were alphabetically close. Thank you both for asking me to say a few words.

Laura is the person everyone calls when something goes wrong. When my car broke down on the M6 at eleven at night, she drove ninety minutes with a flask of tea and a blanket, and didn't once mention that she had work at seven the next morning.

She is also, as many of you know, the world's most competitive board game player. The first time she brought Dan to games night, he won. We all held our breath. Laura looked at him, looked at the board, and said, "Rematch." That was four years ago, and as far as I can tell, they are still playing.

Dan, I have watched you take Laura's competitive streak with good humour and give as good as you get. You make her laugh, you make her slow down, and you make her happier than I have ever seen her.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on marriage. But I know that the best friendships are the ones where someone turns up with tea on the hard shoulder. You two already do that for each other.

So please raise your glasses. To Laura and Dan: may every game you play together end in a rematch.

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