What to do if you cry during your wedding speech

If you cry during your wedding speech, stop talking, lower your head, and breathe for a few seconds before you carry on. Guests expect emotion at a wedding, so a pause and a smile is enough; you do not need to apologise.

Crying is allowed

Most people who worry about this are not worried about a tear. They are worried about losing their voice in front of everyone. That fear is worth planning for, but the tears themselves are not a problem.

Brad Phillips, of the speaking training company Throughline Group, writes in What to do when you get emotional during a speech that emotion can strengthen a talk: "So don't automatically try to squelch your emotion just because you're embarrassed by it."

Conversation coach Abbey Lovett, speaking to inRegister, says: "Weddings can bring tears to even the most stone-faced among us." Her advice is: "Don't try to hide that you're getting emotional."

Before the day: find the parts that will get you

You can usually predict where you will crack. It is rarely the jokes. It is a line about a parent, a person who has died, or the moment you turn to the couple.

1. Read the speech aloud several times. Early read-throughs show you which lines catch you, and the more often you say them, the more familiar they become. Our guide to wedding speech nerves covers how to rehearse.
2. Mark the risky lines. Put a mark on your notes before each one, as a reminder to slow down and breathe.
3. Move the heaviest part to the end. Great Speech Writing advises the father of the bride to "save the really emotional stuff for the back-end of your speech." If you do cry, you are nearly at the toast.
4. Keep the emotional parts short. For the groom, the same piece suggests capping "the profession of love at about thirty seconds."
5. Have water nearby. A sip gives you a reason to pause.

If you are planning to mention someone who has died, that is the line most likely to stop you. Our guide to remembering loved ones in a wedding speech covers how to do it in a sentence or two.

How to say the emotional lines

Great Speech Writing gives delivery advice for the emotional parts of a speech: "During the emotional bits, speak slowly, quietly and keep things relatively monotone." It also says to "pause at the crucial moment."

Bridebook's delivery guide says to aim for about 120 words a minute in a speech, against about 220 in everyday talk, and to "allow for pauses to breathe". A slower pace gives you room to steady yourself without it looking like a stop.

Our own suggestion: look at the couple, or at the back wall, rather than at the person most likely to set you off. A parent in tears in the front row is hard to talk past.

In the moment: what to do if your voice goes

Throughline Group's advice is to "stop talking for a few seconds instead of rushing through your remarks." Pause, lower your head, wait a few seconds, then carry on.

Abbey Lovett suggests, if you are struggling, "breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth" two or three times before you speak again. She also says to "bring it to light and laugh it off a little bit". A short "Sorry, I said I wouldn't do this" can get a warm laugh and buys you time.

If that does not work, Throughline Group suggests stepping back from the personal detail. Its view is that people get emotional "because they're too close to the material", so for a moment speak more generally, then return to the personal line once you are steady.

The same inRegister piece suggests having "a backup plan—like a lighthearted story—" to switch to if emotion starts to take over. In a wedding speech, that can be a lighter memory or a thank-you you can move up the running order.

If you cannot carry on

Prepare one short closing line you can say in a single breath, whatever state you are in. For example: "I'm going to stop there, because I can't say the rest without crying. Please raise your glasses to the couple." Then say their names and toast.

This is our suggestion, not a rule from the sources. It works because the toast is the one part of the speech the room is waiting for. Our guide to ending a wedding speech has other closing lines by role.

You can give the couple the rest in writing afterwards, in a card or a letter.

What to avoid

• Skipping the emotional parts altogether. If one line matters to you, keep it and plan for it.
• Apologising at length. One line, then move on. The room is on your side.

Start your draft

Answer five questions on theweddingspeech.ai and see your free speech preview. Then read it aloud and mark the lines that catch you, so there are no surprises on the day.