Father of the groom toast: rehearsal dinner, length and outline

In the US the father of the groom's main toast traditionally comes at the rehearsal dinner, where he hosts and speaks first. He welcomes the guests, thanks them, says something about his son, welcomes the bride and her family, and raises a glass, in about three to five minutes.

Why the rehearsal dinner is his

The Emily Post Institute's rehearsal dinner guide says "It is customary, but not obligatory, for the groom's family to host the rehearsal party." If they do not, the bride's family or the couple can host, or the families can share it.

The host opens the toasts. Emily Post's advice on the groom's toast says "At the rehearsal dinner, the host of the dinner, traditionally the groom's father, makes the first toast." WeddingWire's speech order guide says the father of the groom, mother of the groom or other host "will thank guests for attending."

WeddingWire's rehearsal dinner guide says that under the old tradition the groom's father spoke first, followed by the bride's father, and then the mothers. It calls that order "easily read as sexist" and says parents can speak in any order. It also notes that nearly half of couples now pay for their own wedding events, so the old rules may not apply. If the couple are hosting, ask whether they still want you to open. Our rehearsal dinner toast guide covers who else speaks.

Does he also speak at the reception?

Not necessarily. WeddingWire's speech order guide says the reception is traditionally hosted by the bride's parents. It lists "parents of either spouse" after the best man and maid of honor, and says parents who are hosting may say a few words to welcome everyone. It adds that this toast "will be fairly fast." Emily Post says parents of the couple often toast before the groom at the reception.

WeddingForward says the father of the groom "can give a speech, especially if he is hosting or wants to share a special message for the couple." Agree any reception toast with the couple. If you give both, keep the reception one short and do not repeat your stories.

How long

Source	Guidance
WeddingForward, father of the groom speech	Typically 3 to 5 minutes
WeddingForward, rehearsal dinner speech	Around 3 to 5 minutes
WeddingWire, rehearsal dinner guide	Keep rehearsal dinner toasts brief, for example a short anecdote
WeddingWire, speech order guide	A parent's reception toast will be fairly fast

At a comfortable 100 to 150 words a minute, as VirtualSpeech puts it, three minutes is about 300 to 450 words. As the first speaker, you set the pace for everyone after you, so aim for the shorter end.

What to say

WeddingForward's rehearsal dinner guide says "rehearsal dinner speakers don't need to be so formal," and that a few more in-jokes work because the room is mostly close friends and family. It suggests humor early and something heartfelt in the final third.

A simple outline

1. Welcome. Introduce yourself briefly and welcome everyone, especially those who traveled.
2. Thanks. Thank the guests and anyone who helped. WeddingForward's rehearsal guide mentions thanking parents or the other hosts.
3. Your son. One story that shows his character. WeddingForward warns humor should never roast him.
4. The bride and her family. Say what you have seen in her and welcome her, and her parents, into your family.
5. Hopes for the couple. A sentence on tomorrow and their future.
6. The toast. Ask everyone to raise a glass and say both names.

Emily Post says the couple generally end the toasting with a toast to their parents and then to everyone there, so you open and they close.

How it differs from the UK father of the groom speech

In the UK the father of the groom has no fixed slot. Great Speech says tradition gives the spotlight to "the father of the bride, the best man and the groom himself," and that "increasingly, the groom's dad is being asked to say a few words too." Its length advice is "around three to five minutes."

The US custom gives him a clear role the night before, as host. The length advice is similar on both sides. Our UK father of the groom speech guide covers the British version, and our father of the bride toast guide covers the reception host's welcome the next day.

Make it specific, not generic

WeddingForward's test: "Make sure no line in your speech could be used in another mother of the bride's speech or another father of the groom's!" Ways to pass it:

• Use the room. Name the people who traveled and where from, and the friends at each table you know.
• One story with a place and a year, not a list of qualities. Say what your son did, not that he is kind.
• A real detail about the bride. The first time you met her, or something she changed in your son.
• Something only the night before allows. A word on tomorrow, or a nod to the rehearsal that just finished.
• Leave out stories the room cannot follow. In-jokes work in small doses only.

Example rehearsal dinner toast

This is an example written for this page. The names and story are invented. It runs about 150 words.

Example: Good evening, everyone. I'm Paul, Ryan's dad, and on behalf of Linda and me, welcome. Thank you for coming, especially those of you who flew in from Denver this morning. When Ryan was twelve he spent a whole summer building a canoe in our garage. It leaked. He fixed it, launched it again, and it leaked again. He kept going until it floated. That's Ryan. He doesn't give up on things that matter. Then he met Hannah, and for once he didn't need a second attempt. Hannah, you made our son calmer and happier, and you laugh at his jokes, which is more than we manage. To Mark and Susan, thank you for raising her and for sharing her with us. We're glad to be one family now. Please raise your glasses. To Hannah and Ryan, and to tomorrow.

Start your draft

Answer five questions on theweddingspeech.ai and see your free speech preview.