Rehearsal dinner toast: who speaks, what tone and how long

At a US rehearsal dinner the host toasts first, traditionally the groom's father or parents, and then family and friends can speak. The tone is more relaxed than at the reception, and each toast should still stay around three to five minutes.

What a rehearsal dinner is for

The rehearsal dinner comes before the wedding day, with a smaller group. WeddingWire's guide to rehearsal dinner toasts says the typical guest list is immediate family and the wedding party, often with other close friends, relatives and out-of-town guests. It calls the dinner a more relaxed setting where anyone can speak and share a story. That is the point: it is room for the toasts that will not fit into the reception.

Who speaks

WeddingWire's answer to "who gives a toast?" is "basically everyone". A typical order:

1. The host. Traditionally the groom's family paid for the rehearsal dinner, so the groom's father spoke first, followed by the bride's father, then the mothers. WeddingWire says this tradition is easily read as sexist and that parents can speak in any order.
2. Other family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. WeddingWire calls the dinner the perfect time for them to speak about the couple.
3. Friends and the wedding party. WeddingWire's speech order guide says bridesmaids and groomsmen can share well wishes here.
4. Out-of-town guests and the officiant. WeddingWire mentions both.
5. The couple, who thank their relatives and the wedding party, according to WeddingWire's speech order guide.
6. An open mic, if the couple want one.

WeddingWire also notes that nearly half of couples now pay for their own wedding events, so the old "groom's family hosts" rule may not apply. Whoever is hosting opens the toasts.

The best man and maid of honor usually save their speeches for the next day. WeddingWire's speech order guide says those speeches are reserved for the reception, and WeddingForward says it is not customary for the best man to speak at the rehearsal dinner, though he may. If you are giving the main toast at the reception, a short thank-you at the dinner is plenty. Our guides to the best man toast and the maid of honor speech cover the reception versions.

The tone

Both sources say the rehearsal dinner is looser than the wedding day:

• WeddingForward says rehearsal dinner speakers "don't need to be so formal", that the toasts can be longer and funnier, and that inside jokes land better because the room is mostly close friends and family.
• WeddingWire suggests friends could give a funny speech or even a roast.
• WeddingForward's balance for any rehearsal toast: a few laughs early, and something heartfelt in the last third.

Looser does not mean anything goes. Parents and grandparents are usually there, and the couple have a big day tomorrow. WeddingForward's advice is to keep the awkward stories for another event.

How long

Source	Guidance
WeddingForward	Around 3 to 5 minutes; a best man who does speak, two or three
WeddingWire, rehearsal dinner toasts	Open-mic speakers should keep toasts brief and tell a short anecdote
WeddingWire, speech order guide	Rehearsal dinner toasts can be longer and more involved than wedding day speeches

The sources pull both ways: more room than the reception, but a dinner with many speakers can drag. If six people are toasting, three minutes each is already eighteen minutes. At a comfortable 100 to 150 words a minute, as VirtualSpeech puts it, three minutes is about 300 to 450 words.

A simple shape

WeddingForward suggests opening with an amusing or revealing story, moving to something heartfelt, saying something about the partner, then wishing the couple well and raising a glass. For a host, add a welcome and thanks at the start, especially to guests who traveled.

Because most people in the room know you, WeddingForward says you can often skip the introduction. There may be no microphone, which makes notes on a card or phone easier to use.

What to avoid

From WeddingForward:

• Googled gags and marriage clichés. Its test: no line in your toast should fit anyone else's.
• Awkward stories. Save them.
• Rambling. Don't let the room fall asleep.

And from WeddingWire, if there is an open mic: keep it brief.

If speaking worries you

A rehearsal dinner toast is a gentler first outing than a reception toast: a smaller room, people you know and often no microphone. Our guide to wedding speech nerves covers rehearsing out loud and pacing.

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