Stepfather of the bride speech at a UK wedding

A stepfather can give the father of the bride speech, or a speech of his own alongside the bride's father. Which happens is the bride's decision, and the safest speech is warm about her, generous about her father, and short.

When a stepfather speaks

In the traditional UK order, the father of the bride speaks first, then the groom, then the best man. If the bride's father has died and an uncle, brother or family friend is speaking instead, our guide for a stand-in father of the bride covers that case.

Bridebook's guide to who does speeches says the father of the bride speech can be given by "the bride's step-father", an uncle, a sibling or another father figure, "depending on the family dynamic or circumstances". Bridebook's wider guide to speeches adds that "some weddings also have speeches from other family members such as step parents that might change the order."

How families share the slot

No source we found sets a rule for this. These are the common arrangements, in our words, for the bride to choose between:

• The stepfather gives the speech. This fits when he raised the bride, or when her father has died or is not at the wedding.
• The bride's father gives the speech, the stepfather does not speak. He can still be thanked by name in the father's speech or the bride's.
• Both speak, one after the other. Each keeps to a few minutes, and they agree in advance who covers what, so the guests do not hear the same story twice.
• One speech on behalf of both. One man speaks and mentions the other warmly.

Ask the bride first, and talk to the bride's father before the day if you can. Nobody should learn the plan from the printed order of the day.

What to say about the bride's father

This is the part most stepfathers worry about. The advice we found points one way: say something short and kind, then move on.

Melbourne Entertainment Company's stepfather of the bride guide is an Australian events company's advice, so its customs may differ from a UK wedding. It says that if the bride's father is present, "navigating this relationship with sensitivity is crucial", and that "your speech should complement, not overshadow, his presence." If he is not there, it says "a respectful mention or tribute, if appropriate, can be a touching addition." It also says to steer clear of "previous marriages, family disputes" and other sensitive topics.

If the bride's father has died, All Speeches Great and Small, a UK speechwriting service, advises keeping the words about him to "around 120" and not turning that part into "a mini eulogy". Its advice is written for a son or uncle giving the speech, but the length works for a stepfather too.

Our suggestions, built from that advice:

• Mention him once, by name or as "her dad", with something true and positive.
• Never compare yourself with him, or hint at who did more.
• Leave the divorce, the custody and the past out entirely.
• If you are not sure what the bride wants, show her the line before the day.

When the bride's parents are divorced, the bride's father faces the same questions from the other side. Our guide to the father of the bride speech when parents are divorced covers what the sources say to him.

A structure for the speech

All Speeches Great and Small's guide for stepfathers gives five tips, in this order: "Open with a warm welcome", "Personalize your speech", "Show appreciation to the new spouse", "Offer your blessing and advice" and "Close on a high note". It says the speech works whether "you have been there from the beginning or joined her life later".

Turned into an outline, with the father and mother lines as our suggestion:

1. Welcome the guests and say who you are.
2. One or two stories about you and the bride.
3. A sentence each for the bride's mother and the bride's father.
4. Welcome the groom or new spouse.
5. A short wish for the couple.
6. The toast.

The traditional father of the bride outline is in our father of the bride speech guide, if you are giving the main speech.

Example stepfather of the bride speech

This is an example written for this page. The names and story are invented. It runs about 230 words, a little under two minutes at a steady pace.

Example: Good afternoon, everyone. For those who don't know me, I'm Martin, Emma's stepdad. I joined this family when Emma was nine, and she made me earn my place. For the first six months she called me "Mum's friend Martin", always in full.

Things changed the winter her bike chain snapped two miles from home. She rang me, not because I was the obvious choice, but because I was the only one with a car that day. I spent the drive home being told everything I'd got wrong about bikes. I've been getting things wrong for her ever since, and she has been kind enough to keep correcting me.

I want to thank Emma's mum, Claire, who has done the hard work on this day and the twenty-nine years before it. And I want to thank Emma's dad, Steve. Emma has his laugh and his stubbornness, and she is lucky to have both of us here today.

James, you have been part of this family for four years now, and it took you a lot less than six months to be called by your first name. Look after her.

Emma, I'm proud of you. Please raise your glasses to Emma and James.

Length

Melbourne Entertainment Company gives two ranges on the same page: 2 to 5 minutes in one place and 5 to 7 minutes in another. When two fathers speak, the shorter end is the kinder choice for the guests, and for each other.

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