Vow renewal speech: what the couple, a child or a friend can say

A vow renewal speech celebrates a marriage that already exists, so it looks back as well as forward. Whether you are one of the couple, one of their children or the friend who spoke at the first wedding, tell one or two true stories from their years together and keep it to a few minutes.

What a vow renewal is

A vow renewal is a symbolic ceremony for a couple who are already married. Southend Council says "a renewal of vows has no legal effect and is not legally binding on those involved," and that it is open to couples "who are married or have entered into a civil partnership." It also says a council ceremony "must not have any religious content", which matters if you are choosing a reading.

Couples renew their vows for different reasons: a big anniversary, a second chance after a hard few years, or a first wedding that was too small or too rushed. Ask the couple why they are doing it. The answer shapes the speech.

Who speaks

There is no traditional line-up, which gives the couple a free hand.

Havering Council's renewal ceremony includes "words from previous wedding guests (often the best man, bridesmaid or the bride's father)", an "acknowledgement of any children of the marriage", and the option to "include your children or grandchildren in the proceedings." It says ceremonies last "approximately 15 minutes, but can be up to 30 minutes if more reading options are chosen."

At the meal or party afterwards, the usual speakers are:

Speaker	The angle
The couple, together or one each	What the years have taught them, and thanks to the people who helped
A grown-up child	What their marriage looked like from the inside
The original best man, bridesmaid or a close friend	Then and now: who they were at the first wedding, and who they are today

How long to speak

None of the sources we found set a length for renewal speeches. Our suggestion: two to three minutes for a guest, and three to five for the couple. If several people are speaking, go shorter.

If you are the couple

You are not introducing yourselves to each other's families this time, so the usual wedding jobs fall away. That leaves room for what a renewal speech does best:

• Thank the people who carried you. The friends who babysat, the parents who lent you money, the neighbour who fed the cat for twenty years of holidays. Use their names.
• Tell one story from the marriage, ideally one the guests don't know. The hard years count, said lightly and briefly.
• Say one thing to each other. This is your chance to say what you didn't know to say at the first wedding.

If you are speaking together, our joint wedding speech guide covers how to split the lines and rehearse the handoffs.

If you are one of their children

You have a view nobody else in the room has: you grew up inside this marriage. You don't need to sum it up. One true memory of them as a couple does the work: the way your dad still brings your mum tea in the morning, or the argument about the satnav that has run since 1998.

Speaking at your parents' renewal is close to speaking at a parent's wedding, and our guide to a speech at your parent's wedding covers the tone and what to leave out.

If you spoke at the original wedding

Havering's ceremony lists the best man, a bridesmaid or the bride's father among the previous wedding guests who often speak, so this is a natural role. The "then and now" angle writes itself: what you said at the first wedding, what you thought would happen, and what actually did. If you can find your old speech, quote a line from it.

How to make it specific, not generic

A renewal speech has years of material to draw on, so there is no excuse for a generic one. Before you write, list:

• The year, the place and the weather of the first wedding.
• Two or three moments from the marriage: a house move, a child born, a car that broke down in France.
• One detail only you know, such as a habit, a phrase or a ritual.
• The names of the people who helped them, and of their children and grandchildren.

Then pick the one story that shows why they are still together. Leave the rest.

Short examples

These examples were written for this page. The names and details are invented; swap in your own.

A daughter at her parents' 30th anniversary renewal:

"Mum and Dad got married in 1995 in the rain, in a church hall with a leaking roof. Thirty years later, Dad still checks the forecast for her every morning and texts it to her, even though she has the same app. That's their marriage. He looks out for her, she lets him, and neither of them mentions the app. Please raise your glasses: to Mum and Dad."

The original best man:

"Twenty-five years ago I stood up and said Gary was punching above his weight. I'd like to correct the record. He was punching a long way above his weight, and he's kept it up ever since. To Gary and Linda."

One of the couple:

"Twenty years ago, I promised to love you, and I meant it, but I didn't know what it meant yet. Now I do. It means the school run, the night shifts, and the year we nearly lost the house. Thank you for every bit of it. I'd marry you again tomorrow. Actually, I just did."

End with a toast

Finish by asking everyone to raise a glass to the couple, by name, and to the next chapter of their marriage. Our guide on how to end a wedding speech has wording for the toast itself.

Start your draft

Answer five questions about the couple and the stories you want to tell, and see your free speech preview.