Wedding speeches with divorced parents: who speaks, who to thank

When parents are divorced or there are step-parents, there is no fixed rule about who speaks: choose the speakers the couple want to hear from, thank every parent figure by name and do not treat equal as identical. This guide uses three wedding publishers' advice and our own suggestions for wording, which we mark as such.

Start from who you want to hear

Guides for Brides says speeches do not have to follow the traditional father of the bride, groom and best man format. Its first step is to ask yourselves who you genuinely want to hear from. If a father and a stepfather both want to speak, it says you could include both. Otherwise, one of them can take on a different role.

The traditional line-up is in our guide to the order of wedding speeches. Bridebook notes that some weddings also have speeches from other family members, such as step-parents, which might change the order.

Fair is not the same as equal

Guides for Brides says to try not to think of fairness as giving everyone exactly the same role, and that the aim is not to make every role equal. Its example is that one parent might walk you down the aisle while another gives a speech.

It also suggests moving a speech or toast to another point, such as a welcome dinner or a gathering the next day, saying that changing the timing can give important people a meaningful moment.

Who to thank

Easy Weddings advises thanking step-parents specifically, in thank-you notes, and says this can also be done during the toast.

Our suggestions, which no source above tests:

• Name every parent figure. Include parents and step-parents in the same sentence, so none sounds like an afterthought.
• Thank people for what they did. A line such as "thank you for the lift to every rehearsal" is better than a general thanks, but only use a detail you are sure about.
• Keep the list short. The longer the roll call, the easier it is to miss someone. Ask the couple for the full list of names and how to say them.
• Leave out the history. Do not mention the divorce, who left whom or how the family used to be. Our guide to avoiding offence in wedding speeches has more on topics to avoid.

Who speaks: some options

Situation	Option
Father and stepfather both want to speak	Include both, as Guides for Brides suggests
Only one wants to speak	The other can take a different role, such as walking the bride in
The couple prefer fewer speeches	A short joint toast from the parents, if they agree
Parents are not on speaking terms	Speak to each privately and agree a role for each before the day

The last two rows are our suggestions, not published guidance. The principle behind all of them is to talk to each person before the day, not on it.

If you are a step-parent speaking

Keep it short and warm, and stick to what you know. Say how you met the couple, give one specific memory and welcome the new family member. Do not speak for the other parent. Our guide to how long a wedding speech should be gives the usual ranges, and with more speakers in the line-up the shorter end is wise.

Agree it with the couple

Ask the couple three questions before anyone writes a word: who will speak, in what order, and who must be named. Write the answers down and share them with each speaker, so nobody is surprised when they hear the thanks.

Start your draft

Answer five questions on theweddingspeech.ai and see your free speech preview. Add the names of every parent figure, then check the thanks with the couple.