Mother of the groom toast: rehearsal dinner, length, outline

In the US the mother of the groom usually gives her toast at the rehearsal dinner, which the groom's family traditionally hosts. She thanks the guests, says something about her son, welcomes his partner and their family, and raises a glass, in about three minutes.

Why the rehearsal dinner

The Emily Post Institute's rehearsal dinner guide says "It is customary, but not obligatory, for the groom's family to host the rehearsal party." When they host, the groom's parents speak as hosts. WeddingWire's speech order guide says "The father of the groom, mother of the groom, or other host will thank guests for attending."

Under the old order, the fathers spoke first. WeddingWire's rehearsal dinner guide says that "once the fathers have spoken, the floor is opened up to the mothers of the marrying couple," but it calls that order easily read as sexist and says parents can speak in any order. If you are hosting alone, or the groom's father is not speaking, you may open the toasts yourself. Ask the couple what they want. Our rehearsal dinner toast guide covers who else speaks that night.

Do you also speak at the reception?

Sometimes. WeddingWire says parents of either spouse "may choose to say a few words to welcome everyone," mostly when they are hosting, and the reception toasts are led by the best man and maid of honor. If the couple asks you to speak at the reception too, keep it short and use a different story.

How long

Source	Guidance
WeddingWire, rehearsal dinner guide	A maximum of three minutes
WeddingForward, rehearsal dinner speech	Around 3 to 5 minutes
WeddingWire, speech order guide	Under five minutes, closer to three if you can

At the 100 to 150 words a minute VirtualSpeech gives as a comfortable pace, three minutes is about 300 to 450 words. If several parents are speaking, aim for the shorter end.

What to say

WeddingForward's rehearsal dinner guide says "rehearsal dinner speakers don't need to be so formal," because the room is mostly close friends and family. That gives you room for a family story you would not tell to two hundred reception guests. A simple outline:

1. Welcome. Say who you are and welcome everyone, especially those who traveled.
2. Thanks. Thank the guests, the other family, and anyone who helped with the dinner or the wedding.
3. Your son. One story that shows who he is. Keep it warm, not embarrassing.
4. His partner. Say what you have seen in them, and what they have brought out in your son.
5. Their family. Welcome the other parents, by name.
6. The toast. Ask everyone to raise a glass and say both names.

Make it specific, not generic

Mother of the groom toasts go generic in two ways: a list of your son's qualities, and a welcome to his partner that could be said to anyone. WeddingForward's test for parent speeches works here: "Make sure no line in your speech could be used in another mother of the bride's speech or another father of the groom's!" To pass it:

• One story with a place and an age. Not "he was always caring," but the time he did something that showed it.
• A real moment with his partner. The first time you met them, the first holiday together, a phone call you remember.
• Something you noticed change. What your son does now that he did not before.
• Name the room. Who flew in, who is at their first family event, who is missing.
• Skip the "losing a son" line. It is a stock line; say what you are gaining instead.

How it differs from the UK mother of the groom speech

In the UK the traditional reception speakers are the father of the bride, the groom and the best man; a mother of the groom speech is less traditional but increasingly common if the couple ask. The US custom gives her a natural place the night before, at a dinner her family may be hosting. Our UK mother of the groom speech guide covers the British version, and our father of the groom toast guide covers his toast at the same dinner.

Example mother of the groom toast

This is an example written for this page. The names and story are invented. It runs about 170 words.

Example: Good evening, everyone. I'm Diane, Josh's mom, and on behalf of Rick and me, welcome. Thank you for coming, especially Sarah's grandparents, who drove nine hours from Ohio to be here. When Josh was seven, he saved his allowance for a month to buy his little sister a goldfish, because hers had died and she wouldn't stop crying. He named it Hope. He's been the one who fixes things for other people ever since. Then, three years ago, he brought Sarah home for Easter. She spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen with my mother learning to make pierogi, and my mother has asked about her every week since. Sarah, you make Josh laugh in a way I haven't heard since he was a boy. Tom and Linda, thank you for raising her, and for sharing her with us. We already think of you as family. Please raise your glasses. To Sarah and Josh, and to tomorrow.

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