Speech at a second wedding: who speaks, the ex, and the children

At a second wedding the speeches can follow the usual pattern, but who speaks is more open and the room needs more care. Leave any previous marriage out, include every child even-handedly, and choose speakers who will be tactful.

Who gives the speeches

Bridebook gives the traditional UK order as father of the bride, groom, then best man, but second weddings often change it. Sheerluxe asked UK wedding planners and other experts about second weddings. One said: "There's no hard or fast rule when it comes to who should make the toasts, so just go with what everyone feels most comfortable with." The same expert suggests "an open conversation with your parents about whether they'd like to make a speech", depending on how long ago the first wedding was and how your family feel about the new relationship.

Other points from the same article:

• More brides are speaking. One planner said they have seen "more brides making speeches", alongside fewer brides being given away.
• Choose speakers carefully. "Second marriage speeches can be tricky, so choose people wisely and ensure anyone who speaks is tactful – especially if there are old in-laws or children in the room."
• Children can say a few words. A bride in the same article describes her eldest child saying "a few short words at the reception", and her own speech thanking everyone and saying how grateful she and her boys were to have her husband in their lives: "we came as a package".

If you are the bride and want to speak, our bride's speech guide covers whether it is traditional and how long to speak.

All Speeches Great and Small, a UK speechwriting service, adds that couples marrying later in life often have no bridesmaids and frequently no best man. With fewer speakers, the groom has more time to talk about his partner, and about the friends and family who got him there.

The previous marriage

This is where sources and instincts can clash, so take the cautious line. In a piece on groom speeches second time round, All Speeches Great and Small says: "unless there are exceptional circumstances, never mention the first marriage or former wife…ever." It adds that even a partner with a robust sense of humour may feel it is wrong, and warns against lines about "being here before, or hoping it goes better this time".

The same applies to other speakers. A best man or parent who knew the first marriage should leave it out too. That includes jokes about practice runs, second attempts or the first wedding's speeches.

That piece allows for "exceptional circumstances". One may be when a previous spouse has died and the family want them remembered. That is a decision for the couple, not for the speaker. If they want it, keep it short and warm. All Speeches Great and Small's advice on later-life weddings is that "mini eulogies have to be avoided". Our guide to remembering loved ones in a wedding speech has wording and placement ideas.

Children and stepchildren

Children are often the most delicate part. All Speeches Great and Small's groom speech for a step-father gives three rules:

• Be even-handed. "You have to be really even handed, because any imbalance in how you talk about them will be glaringly obvious." It warns that some grooms overcompensate with their stepchildren and leave their own children feeling isolated.
• Keep it real. If relationships are still new or strained, do not say how proud you are of them. Instead, it suggests saying "how much you're looking forward to play a part in their lives and get to know them more".
• Do not leave anyone out. "Any omission speaks just as loudly as a dedicated paragraph." If there is nothing else to say, it suggests at least praising your partner as a parent.

Its second-time-round piece adds that age does not change this. Sons and daughters in their twenties can feel as hurt as much younger children by being left out of the speech, so name every child from both families. If you are the son or daughter giving a speech, see our guide to a speech at your parent's wedding.

Parents and the wider family

Later in life, some parents will no longer be alive. All Speeches Great and Small suggests a mention is usually right, but brief, positive and uplifting, and not a "mini eulogy" that brings the day down.

Former in-laws may also be in the room. Sheerluxe's warning about tact names "old in-laws" specifically, so say nothing that needs them to laugh at the past.

The speech is still about the couple

All Speeches Great and Small warns against treating a second wedding speech flippantly: the importance is the same, because you are saying why you want to share your life with this person. Whatever your role, the speech is about the two of them and the family they are making now.

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